Dating Diary, Installment 1: Guido
 Welcome to my online dating diary. After talking to this guy for a month or so on the phone I agreed to finally agree to join him for dinner. We will call him "Guido". Being that I have no social life and basically have no clue as to where the local or non-local hotspots are I let him decide what restaurant to eat at. He said, "Oh don't worry…I have the perfect place and it's a surprise! I'm like cool…a take charge kinda guy-that's a good sign. So, it's about 6:30 and I'm getting ready…I got the go get 'em pants on with the, oh no she didn't, top- I meant business! I splashed a bit of my favorite scent on, did 25 push ups (what? Just as a last minute perk-me-up) and headed out the door to meet him at "my house" which was in all actuality a friends home-but since they know I'll freak if some creepy guy totally shows up at my house they let me get picked up and dropped off there giving my buddy the opportunity to copy all license plate information in the event they have to dredge the Hudson looking for me-god forbid (I'm attractive not stupid)!
So, anyhoo I run out the house realizing that I'm a little late and I run the risk of being seen driving up to "my house". Just as I thought, there he was in all his Italian Stallion glory sitting in a bright yellow Mustang GT. My initial thought was OMG! This so can't be happening to me-why me?! My second thought was oh well…now how am I going to clear the decorative shrubs along side him to make it look as though I just came out the house? Well true to my years of watching MacGyver I came up with the plan to throw something to distract him and run to the porch. I throw a recycled can and go for it-just as I take my first step my friends neighbors dog (who should be on a leash, but isn't) bolts out and has me pinned along side my car and the side of the house! Guido looks and I just wave. He's like is that your dog? I'm like no my neighbors. As the shock of almost being mauled by a Mastiff subsides I happen to check out my date's apparel for the evening.
I cannot even put into words what I felt all I thought was How in the damn am I gonna be seen with him. First he has on a pair of like tight jeans, dress shoes and a muscle shirt. At this point, I'm asking God why his sense of humor must be directed at me. Regardless, I would hate for someone to be like eeeew your shoes are so 1980-date over… so I give him a weird hug-sorta like the one you give your drunk uncle during the holidays -awkward to say the least.
We drive in silence with him glancing at me as if the owner's manual for his Mustang says you will drive better if you stare at your passenger and totally creep em out... In my mind I'm thinking-You wanna take a picture buddy? Last longer! In between thoughts I felt light-headed. At first I thought I was unconsciously trying to die to get out of the date but then I realized it was the smell of his cologne that was literally gonna cause me to black out any moment. Then it hit me…what if Brut Cologne is the new date-rape drug?! I smell it, faint and badda-bing next thing I know I wake up in the back seat with my bra on backwards and Guido wearing his wife-beater!
I comment on the strong cologne and ask that he open the windows. He tries to break the obvious awkwardness with the old "So, what do you think so far" question I'm like Huh, I'm about to pass out are we near the restaurant? He smiles and turns into this very quaint-expensive restaurant. Am I hungry? -yes; impressed?-no. At the point that I realized I had no chemistry with him he could have taken me to dinner at the Taj Mahal and I would have felt the same. We ate, and talked about our experiences online. We laughed and actually started to have fun up until some dumb ass patron of the restaurant says to him-she's stunning and he responds, "Yeah I know pal and that's why she's my girl! I choked on my Crème Brule and practically spilled my glass of wine. You see, I am a nice girl and I had no problem with making the best of the date despite not having chemistry with him but to have him think it was ok to identify us as a couple was the final straw for me. Needless to say, the date ended shortly there after as I patted my belly and thanked him for being such a gracious host for the evening. Next!
Ms. Redding is a real user of Cupid.com writing a book about her dating experiences, online and off. The good, the bad, and the As If!!! If you are a publisher, contact her immediately! Don't steal her content or she'll kick your a**.
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