I always get many questions from our followers. Recently one of them asked me why he should accept his partner as she is.
A common theme dealt out by relationship advice gurus is that you should never try to change someone. While I don’t altogether agree with this advice, personally, I do to a point. The reason I don’t completely agree is that we all change in relationships, and we ask our partners to change. Whether it’s deciding who does which chores around the house or putting a set of rules in place for communicating/arguing or designating time to spend together, everyone changes for the relationship. And this is not a bad thing; it’s how relationships work.
That being said, if you ask your partner to change in significant ways – change their core or their values, change their personality, change their behavior so that they’re unrecognizable – then you don’t love this person in the first place. If you love your partner, you love their identity, and you will accept them in the ways that matter most.
That’s why we’ve put together a list of 10 reasons to accept others as they are, instead of forcing them to be someone they’re not.
1. You Love This Person
For the sake of this article, we’ll say you do truly love your partner. And if you love them, then you love what makes them the awesome, outstanding, unique person they are. If you try to change the big things, then you will be changing what you love.
2. People Don’t Like Change
Not many like to change, not many can change, and not many would want to change for someone else. And the fact of the matter is, you cannot change a person’s identity without changing what you love about them.
3. You’ll Make Your Partner Feel Insecure
Think about a time when someone criticized you or asked you to do something differently. How did it make you feel? Probably insecure and like you weren’t ‘good enough.’ Is this how you want your partner to feel? You should be lifting each other up, rather than beating each other down.
4. We All Have Flaws
When you’re in a relationship, you really must choose how to pick your fights, because too many, too often will chip away at your feelings for each other. One way to avoid this is to realize no one’s perfect and trying to change the imperfections of your partner will likely be one (or many) of those destructive fights.
5. You May Be the Problem
Have you ever considered maybe it’s not them, it’s you? Insecurities in yourself may be one of the reasons you pick at your partner. Before you try to change someone else, take a look at yourself and see if you’re the one who needs to make some changes in your life and perspective.
6. Differences Can Be a Good Thing
Just because your partner is different than you – likes different activities, behaves differently, has different ideas/beliefs – it doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work. As the saying goes, opposites attract. So if you find yourself attracted to your opposite, don’t try to make them a mirror image of you, or else you’ll likely lose the attraction.
7. You May Push Your Partner Away
In trying to change someone, you’re likely to put distance between you and that person, especially if they’re hurt by your incessant need to change them. Inevitably, you’ll push your partner away if you insist on trying.
8. You Put Stress on Your Partner & the Relationship
If your partner does try to change for you, they’ll feel stressed, because this isn’t who they’re supposed to be. They may feel a loss of identity. This, in turn, strains the relationship.
9. Any Attempt Will Backfire
Any attempt at changing the core of someone will backfire. Because if you try and they don’t respond well, this is the death of your coupling. If you try and they respond, but they have to change in major ways FOR YOU, they will resent you for it. And if you succeed in changing them, they may lose that special something you fell in love with in the first place.
10. You May Change Them for the Worst
Say you do manage to change your partner. He or she starts believing what you believe, behaving how you want them to, going out of their way to be who you want them to be. Do they even have a sense of self anymore? Or did you just create for yourself a mechanical dummy?
Don’t change your partner’s core. This is who they are. This is their identity. Don’t take that away from someone you are supposed to love.
If you still don’t have your second half, try your luck on Cupid and meet here your real soul mate.