The ‘Bat Signal’
You and your wingman buddies have stumbled into psycho territory and are lumbered with a pair of nutters and in this case subtleness is key. Having a pre-arranged signal such as a particular sentence (‘The ducks fly on the icy lakes in Moscow’ or something similarly inconspicuous is fine), sound or even a good kick in the leg should be enough. Once the signal has been triggered , you should also have a decent mutual lie to tell which is good enough to get you out of there but not so good that they would approach you again if they saw you…what do I mean? Ahem…’We have to go soon, it’s his grandad’s funeral tomorrow. He died of (insert horrible disease), we’re pretty sure it’s not hereditary though.’ Voila.
Meet crazy with crazy
This one could be a tricky one. If the other person seems to genuinely know that they are being weird and it’s just the way they act, don’t bother trying this as they will only want to spawn with you. If not, try adding insane cackles into the conversation at inappropriate times, throwing out the odd convulsion or just generally saying strange stuff. This works surprisingly effectively for me. You could try topics such as the BNP/KKK/PKK etc and just say you’re a member of one, if they are fine with this and in fact are sympathisers themselves you may reveal that it was a joke and the slide slowly out of their view with your best judgemental face plastered upon you.
This one is a classic and tends to break even the most stubborn of pursuers out of their brain funk long enough for them to either realise that you’re not interested or just get bored. The key is to listen for a little, just long enough to gauge what drivel they’re coming out with and inserting a comment which has no relevance to the subject, with each comment becoming more and more disconnected from the topic altogether. For example:
‘and then Zayne said to Peter to go back to the stage! The performance isn’t over hahahah’
‘Yeah I do think Bulbasaur would love that situation’
‘Erm… ok, and then he got back on the stage and just apologised’
The classless gent
One for the more skilled amongst you (body function-wise of course). As much as possible when the other person is talking, use as few manners as possible, in fact smash the manners barrier until it’s atoms are afraid of you. Pick your nose, burp, the occasional tactical toot, swear when you talk, slur. Take your pick, or combine a few. If they can withstand this she is probably from a remote Scottish fishing village and in this case you should try another tactic, she’s seen and is used to it all.
It worked on Mr Clarke in year 9 PE class, why shouldn’t it work now?! Clutch that chest, make pained noises and grab an Oscar for that heart attack/stroke/made up condition. I’ve never seen this in practise on a live, adult woman so please film it if you try it and let me know how it goes. Mr Moore was an idiot.
Tell them that you’re not interested
Probably should have started with this one really…