Now is the time for me to address the wingman element of your bro-duo, the Kyle Gass to your Jack Black as it were. I shouldn’t say that the following are cardinal rules, but I will as if you don’t follow them you’ll fail 99% of the time. So, unfortunately, they’re as cardinal as the Pope’s BFFs. You and your good buddy’s, (who has been on a dry spell since just after his first man hair sprouted for a non-specific example*) successfulness could very well rely on you remembering/not remembering the following snippets of advice. Don’t you think even porn sites need a break from your friend every once in a while? Yes? Then I’ll begin.
No double dipping (talking to both women once separate lines have been established): You have worked your moves to get talking to both girls and the classic separation technique is in full force with your friend one step away from making genuine progression on the battlefield and what do you do? Throw a number of badly timed grenades in the air and hit all sides involved. Who dropped you on your head a child? Your man was on a roll!The key here is to keep abreast of the situation occurring and knowing when to split off and manoeuvre the other female friends away, leaving your man deep in the trenches, don’t jump in and interrupt the flow.
No getting so drunk that your friend has to take care of you: This is quite obvious. What girl is attracted to a man who surrounds himself with people who can’t hold their shandys? If you find yourself tipping over the edge of sobriety- stop drinking! Maybe order a coke and pretend there is something manlier than glucose in it.
No Gangnam style (Macarena etc): Ah, the sweet stench of South Korean pop in your nose holes…what could be better? To a large population of women, that answer will likely be ‘anybody but him’. Flash-in-the-pan, cheese ridden gimmick presentations are not the foray of a decent woman and will only serve to impress upon the barman to keep an eye out for you.
Of course, the classiness of the lady you want to attract is vital with this one. If the intended is a bit of a cheesy party animal herself… still don’t dance. You don’t want to attract EVERY woman in the room with your ‘air horse riding’ abilities and overshadow your mate do you?!
No doing your man down: Possibly ridiculous to have to mention as the whole point of the exercise is likely to make your mate feel the opposite of down, but tragically I have seen this happen on more than one occasion, once even intentionally. This wingman is now safely stored in Dante’s ninth circle with other traitors to kin.
Instead of regaling the ladies with a story of how, at Uni, your friend head-butted a flaming watermelon husk, how about just not doing that? You want to show your friend in a good light and set him on his way to success. Not TOO good, though, however, you want to set semi-realistic expectations of the guy, after all, he did do that watermelon thing.
No losing focus: Having been to a bar a couple of times, I actually know more than one person. The last thing I want to do to my friend though is to leave him in limbo with a harem of judgement alone whilst I talk to:
Alan, the guy from football
Jenny, the hot girl you met at AA
or Pam, the ex that got hot the instant you dumped her. Damn…
The point is of course that once you’ve joined your friend in this magical quest, nothing, not even vampiric strippers (From Dusk ‘Till Dawn 1996) could tear you away from the task at hand.
That concludes this week’s advice, try not to mess up and you’ll reap the rewards. Trip up after reading this and you’ll quite likely be looking at someone dropping you on your head again. Be safe out there.
*I’m not saying who this is.