Check Your Weekly Horoscope from July 3

Weekly Horoscope from July 3

Your wish has been granted. Wingman Barney has unveiled your weekly horoscope to let you know what’s about to go down.

Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)

Somehow you manage to be impressive and inept all at the same time. Maybe people are impressed by how inept you are. In any case, you’ll be called on this week to make an important decision. Put it off as usual and eventually someone else will be forced to deal with it.

Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)

You’ve developed an unhealthy obsession with jigsaw puzzles, which isn’t surprising. You’ve become accustomed to close relationships with inanimate objects. Try to keep your mental illness down to a dull roar this week when your real human friends stop by for a visit.

Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd)

If your mental abilities had a nutritional value it would be on par with the gourmet frozen dinners you eat every night. Luckily frozen dinners are quick and easy to cook, much like your ideas and future plans. You would have a new one nearly every day if you weren’t using most of your brain for nondescript functions like making humming sounds.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)

That person you’re interested in is tickled to death by your smooth voice and gentle caress. For some reason they are blind to your totally controlling personality. Manipulate them right into your hands until they become nothing but your plaything.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

You’d give your friend the shirt off your back if you were wearing one. But, you’re such a free spirit that you’re not allowed make purchases in most retail stores, let alone be physically inside them. Nobody ever said anything about spiritually though. Take advantage of that loophole this week and transcend the physical constructs of their walls to get yourself a witty t-shirt. Maybe one that says, “Sarcastic Comment Loading”.

Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)

Your sense of humor comes as naturally to you as breathing in paint fumes. You like the way it makes you feel and have little control over yourself. Don’t joke about other peoples’ misfortunes, unless you’re pretty sure other people will laugh and think you’re cool. Then do it every time.

Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)

You’ll be called on this week to advise a close friend on matters you know next to nothing about. Pretend you do anyways. You may not provide sound advice, but at least you’ll feel the false gratification of having helped out a friend. Congratulate yourself for a job well done.

Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)

You can read minds and that’s incredible, but not as incredible as how much you like to talk about it. Perhaps you should become a crime psychic or pursue some other ridiculous occupation. You might find that your unbelievable abilities are in fact part of a fantasy world that you created.

Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)

Adventure is your pet turtle’s middle name. You on the other hand are about as dull as a cup of sand. Put your talents to use this week by alphabetizing your DVD’s. If you don’t receive any sick gratification out of this process, at least feel reassured that your friends will also suffer greatly from hearing about it.

Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)

You’re the kind of person who believes that you’re one with the earth and all that cockamamie philosophical nonsense. Maybe you should start a cult. If you need tips for how to gain followers, now is a good time to call your grandmother. She misses you and would love to share some of her derelict insights on hypnotism and mind control.

Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)

Most fax machines have more personality than you. But what you lack in personality you make up for in emotional stability and a financially healthy bank account. You’re a catch, according to your mother, but don’t rest on your laurels. Get out there and show the world that you are mildly fun to be around.

Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)

The universe will cater completely to your needs. If not, it has probably figured out that you’re a giant pain in the ass, like everyone else. Don’t give into other people’s requests that you give yourself the reality check. It will only confuse you and ruin the fantasy you’ve created

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