Wingman Barney’s cheesy horoscope for the week is going to blow you out of the water. Overall – aside from Leo’s self-made drama – the week is a good one, especially when it comes to taking initiative in your life.
Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)
You want to be god, and that not-so-secret secret comes out this week, when you try to control everyone and everything. As you aren’t god and never will be, the effect of your control freakishness is a complete mess, and you end up destroying rather than creating.
Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)
Somehow, your schizophrenia manages to charm the pants off of that one person you’ve had your eye on. Not only does your outgoing nature turn that person’s head, but your off-the-wall antics are just what they need in their life. This may be the perfect fit.
Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd)
You are very intuitive and may as well give up your day job and just become a seer. You read minds like it’s your profession. This unnerves most people, but it also intrigues them. This week, your fortune-telling abilities grant you many admirers and some bonafide haters.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
You pick a fight with an Aries this week and totally ruin your dear friend’s birthday party. There’s no reason for it, apart from a bruised ego. You claim over and over again that you didn’t start it, but you’re not fooling anyone. We all know it’s always your fault.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
You’re going on a trip this week, and you manage to irritate everyone with your hourly itinerary, dictating where everyone should be, how they should have fun, and how long they should be doing so. No one wants to adhere to your dictatorship, but you’re the only one who can guide them. In the end, they’ll thank you for it. Sort of.
Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)
Everyone takes care of you, always, because you don’t seem to know what to do with yourself. Or at least, you’ve managed to find a way to manipulate everyone into doing what you’re supposed to. No initiative equals no responsibilities, which is a-okay with you.
Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)
You are both high-strung and laidback at the same time. You always seem to be in a rush, but really you have no worries in the least. This style of personality is either adored or despised. But the person who matters adores it, so you don’t have to worry about all the other meatheads.
Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)
Your adventurous nature takes you to some death-defying heights this week, as you find yourself soaring above the clouds. Most people would say, “don’t look down,” but you always do. What’s the point in flying high if you can’t enjoy the view.
Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)
You know how to screw people over, and you do it with such pizazz this week that even you are impressed with yourself. You take advantage of the system to a degree that would make the greatest politician green with envy. But don’t take it too far, or you may just lose everything you love.
Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)
Every day is the weekend for an Aquarius, and this week is a very long weekend of parties and funsies. You manage to shove all worries away (or at least the single worry that haunts you). With such a carefree attitude, it’s hard not to fall in love with you. And everybody does.
Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)
You may be one of the most gullible of the signs, but your badassery makes up for it. When you finally realize someone has taken advantage of you, you know how to react. You kick some butts and take some names, like some sort of movie assassin. This doesn’t win you many friends, but it does win you admirers.
Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)
You are literally the best, and so it may come as no surprise when that person you’ve been after finally sees you as such. You are hitting on all cylinders this week – love, work, health, and wealth. The four line up like a constellation for you, and there isn’t much more to do but count your lucky stars.