The holidays are coming and aren’t they just a great time for being single? All the parties, the gathering with your friends and loved ones and just a great big dollop of forced social interaction with just about everybody you know. We’re veering off our standard route of wingmanning to give you some important advice on manoeuvring around the most stressful elements of this time, brought on solely by being single, a solo artist, a maverick or whatever you convince yourself your spirit animal is (racoon by the way).
Too much to do for one hero? Everything seems like it’s a little harder to do when you’re single with all the shopping, the partying, decorating everything, generally re-arranging your life temporarily for a made-up fat guy (or the newly born guy if you’re into that). All of this can feel too much so my advice is to get a seasonal wingman, maybe even with a few to club in and become masters of the season. Think about it. You can reserve time for cards, lists, shopping etc. get your stuff done and steal each other’s ideas whilst you’re at it! A problem shared is a problem halved and you can all go and have beer afterwards. On that note, though…
Friends pressuring you into risky hook-ups? With all the parties both with friends and colleagues, a single person is always the guy who is targeted for abuse and general peer pressuring into knocking boots with your equivalent crazy Sandra from marketing. Mistakes are made at these events and a few drinks+loneliness+misguided encouragement= hooking up with 64-year-old Betty ‘the breath’ from HR. One way to avoid this is for your mates to know/be convinced of the fact that you have another interested party waiting in the wings and that you couldn’t possibly jeopardise potential bliss for a quick office fumble. Another alternative is to find somebody at these events that you actually like, it’s appropriate to date and also not repulsed to spend most of the time with. The holidays are a perfect time to try the techniques laid out in the previous articles and should be more than enough to help you through the first few obligatory hours at least. Who knows…you might end up with awesome Anne from Awesomeville.
Family asking the same questions as last year and getting impatient? ‘Where is that nice boy/girl from last time?’ When are you going to settle down and have kids?’ Do you still have your Pokemon poster up in your bedroom?’* These questions are the cliché stalwarts of the senior generations mainly, possibly this will include your parents too and usually it’s just borne of general, selfish worry about the continuation of their genes but mainly (you would hope) selfless intrigue into your personal happiness. Avoiding these questions is about as useless a task as attempting to figure out what Kanye actually is. Avoiding them is not an option so answer honestly…maybe a little too honestly…for example:
Q. ‘Where is that nice girl from last time?’
A. ‘She made me feel dead inside with her lack of personality so I dumped her. She was also horrific sexually, grandma’.
Q. ‘Are there not any other nice ladies I your life?’
A. ‘There are many women I’m interested in, however, they all seem to be on *insert porn website here*. I’ve contacted a few in our area, though, mum’
Obviously the more you do this the less likely it will be that they ask the same old questions again. I find the dinner table the best place to do this for effectiveness, a moment’s embarrassment or the possibility of years of pestering, you decide.
I hope you’ve found interesting/godlike in its wisdom giving or something like that…maybe I should lay off the egg nog. Happy holidays everybody and as always, stay safe.
*Answers: Hopefully dead, when it’s appropriate and hell yes.