Lucie Cave: Dating Tips

Singles on Cupid

Cupid’s dating tips this week are from Lucie Cave, editor-in-chief of Heat magazine. She knows more than you about celebrity love-lives, and has written a wedding blog for Grazia. So whether you’re looking to make it to that second date, or just bag a first one, take heed.

Dating Tips (which may or may not be from personal experience…)

By Lucie Cave

Dating tip #1

Don’t get so pissed that you try to wee through your jeans. And don’t drink a bottle of white wine, five French martinis and three absinthes and expect to remember your way home. Because then, when your date comes back from the loo and hears you suddenly speaking gobbledygook he will inevitably have to rummage in your handbag and go through your phone from A-Z until he finds your flat mate (you’re lucky if her name begins with A). When he finally gets you home, and stays in your bed (fully clothed because he’s so scared), try not to roll over him in the night to be sick. And if he still wants to go out with you afterwards (and six years later asks you to marry him) thank god for miracles.

Dating tip #2

Don’t have a last minute panic about having a moustache (because you’ve convinced yourself that, in certain angles like when the sun shines on your mouth, you look like Noel Edmonds…) and put hair removal cream all over your upper lip half an hour just before a first date. Especially if you’ve never used said cream before. There’s a reason the instructions tell you to do a ‘patch test’. You will get a rash and you will look like Ronald McDonald on a red wine binge.

Dating tip #3

Don’t decide that a panty liner can double up as a sweat guard under the shirt you’re wearing to a dinner date. Those special ‘wings’ that are meant to be so firm (and discreet) in your knickers do not operate quite so reliably under your armpits. If you make any rapid arm movement – actually any arm movement at all – they will slide out and end up on the floor for your date to see. So unless you want to look like you have your arms super-glued to your side all evening and are happy not to drink or eat anything. Just use a good deodorant.

Dating tip #4

Don’t have a spray tan the morning of your date and expect to be able to go out that evening without washing it off. Especially if the shade you’ve gone for is rich mahogany and the evening in question is a light summers eve. Not only will you stink of biscuits, but also your face will be so shiny that you will have no choice but to resort to powder to stop the glow and the powder will always be a different colour to your face. You will then look like you have a skin disease and everyone will stare and point at you in the street. Your date will then think he’s going out with a circus freak and make an excuse to leave after one drink.

Dating tip #5

Don’t think chicken fillets are your friend. If you were at the back of the queue when Mother Nature dished out boob dinners, you’ll probably use your padded bra as a first-date confidence boost. After a few drinks in a bar you might decide to take things to the next level…the nightclub. Don’t whatever you do throw shapes on the dance floor. It will all go well, he’ll smile at your fancy footwork, then his smile will turn to confusion, then dismay… as his eyes land at your feet. For you will be dancing, not round your handbag – but around one of your chicken fillets. It will have shimmied its way out of your bra and will now be winking at him under the ultra violet light. This would never have happened if you went to Nandos.

Dating tip #6

Don’t accept Face Time from strange men you meet online. Even if the man you speak to on the dating website refrains from being overly fruity in the first few minutes, beware if he asks for your number so he can What’s App you ‘as its more natural’. Then, if after a few What’s App’s he requests ‘Face Time’ because he has a ‘little surprise’. Don’t do it. Because when you say yes it won’t be his face staring back at you. It will be his hand. Holding his Willy. And then you might feel compelled to watch until he’s finished (it will be impolite to cut him off), and you will then hang up the phone in shock. And if you’ve been silly enough to pick a match who lives within a 1 mile radius, chances are you will forever keep seeing him in your local pub. Only this time, hopefully his hand will be gripping a pint glass instead.

Share your top tip

You’ve read Lucie’s, now tell us yours. What romantic nugget of pure gold have you got to dispense that she’s missed? Get it off your chest now before some post-pipper steals the show!

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