If you and your sweetheart are on the outs, you may be wondering if the two of you will ever get back together. The fact that most marriages end in divorce court is not good news, but it’s not the end of the world, either. If you work on yourself and truly improve your own personality, you might just find things working out in your favor after all.
Five psychological steps to re-creating your marriage
Dr. Susan Heitler outlined a five-point plan to resolve conflict and rekindle some romance in Psychology Today magazine. The first step is to get back on your own two feet. Write your feelings in a journal or in an email to your therapist. These notes are not for sharing with your estranged beloved. That part comes later. Step two involves making an honest accounting of your spouse’s complaints about you. Write a list and be brutally honest with yourself. This may well give you insight as to why you and your sweetheart are at odds.
Step three, according to the Psychology Today article, is cleaning up your act. Once you have constructed a list of your mate’s complaints, examine them thoughtfully to find out where you went wrong. This is a good time to understand what went wrong and to learn from your mistakes while devising a superior way to interact with your loved one. Fourth, make a conscious decision to divorce your old marriage that is clearly not working. Push the reset button, prepare to start over in a renewed marriage. This may allow the two of you to move together to step five where you reconnect with one another from a position of strength, not desperation. Relationship experts at Cosmopolitan remind readers that this is a new relationship, not a rehashing of the old one. Approach it with that in mind, and boost your chances of living happily ever after with your most dearly beloved.
Take it easy and don’t rush the future
Don’t hurry. Take your time and get reacquainted with the one you adore. Stop and think about why you want to be with that person. Relationships are about more than lazy weekends in bed. Understand the reasons you love the way you do, and chances are good that you and your honey will better appreciate one another if and when you reunite. Try to use non-threatening phrases such as “It would make me happy if you _______” instead of provocative statements like “You never” or “You always.” This is a small thing that can make a big difference in the way you and your mate interact. Respect their personhood and don’t make everything about you all the time.
Pick your battles wisely. There’s no good reason to wreck your whole day because your hubby left the loo seat up. Save your fights for things that really matter. And while we’re telling you what not to do, don’t feel you need to reveal every little thing you did while your mate and you were separated. It may feel open and honest, but those little revelations could sit in your mate’s mind for a very long time. Agree to start over and not bring up old issues.
Silence may be helpful
If and when you and your spouse do separate, you may wish to enact a no-contact rule for a predetermined period of time. Once you’ve established a bit of distance, you may well realize that the one you were with is not the one for you. Yes, it can be hard to go without speaking to your spouse, but in the long run, this step could be very helpful to you personally, even if it doesn’t fix the relationship. If you need reinforcement, this article about the no contact rule may give you strength and understanding.
Outlandish albeit harmless ideas
Interestingly, some women (and men) turn to spells and magic to return their lost love. While there is zero evidence that these sorts of things work, there’s probably no harm in burning pink candles and focusing positive energy on the object of your affections. Go ahead and enjoy a cup of magical marigold tea while you re-read the above information. That’s where the real magic lies.
Few feelings are as intense and those triggered by strained love. Take a deep breath, focus on your own stuff, and take a no-contact breather if you need to. In the big picture, happiness is an “inside job” and one that you can manage deftly.
Thomas Mills is a relationship coach whose informative articles can be found on relationship and marriage blogs, as well as broader self-help and lifestyle type sites.