The Talk (Part 1): Topics Which Are Horrific Turn Offs

Singles on Cupid

First impressions are very important of course, however, little attention is often paid to the second ones. Anybody can conceivably look good but once you’ve caught the eye, how do you capture the mind? (Not in a zombie-eating-brains kind of way, obviously). The key is in conversation, a meeting of minds through the beauty of language with the strict avoidance of a clashing of heads – literally and metaphorically, of course. There is no point in telling you what to say to a young lady before informing you of what you must strictly avoid! Below are a number of topics/styles of conversations which are horrific turn offs (to the general and generally, sane population of women out there, of course).

I’ll start with the initial approach, the first shot in the dark at your feminine (or not) target. These are the first words that you will utter to your future wife, girlfriend, one-night stand…a one-liner?!? No, thank you, sir! One-liners are cheesy and most likely cliché and the willingness to use them does not separate you from the herd of testosterone that has previously failed to melt her heart at the bar, maybe a few thousand tequilas in perhaps, but not if you are serious. There are a few exceptions to this rule however, they’re impressively few and David Hasselhoff has used them all so try not to compete with that hero of a man. Similar to one-liners, the old war weary ‘interesting factoid of the day’ is cripplingly boring; ‘Did you know that cows have 4 stomachs?’ Spare them. Spare them all.

Common interests are rarely established by sight (unless she’s screaming at the pub screens when her team is playing or wearing the horrific Arsenal shirt) and so try to avoid bringing up something like that, that interests you instantly as it pushes most people away from the start. One thing I learned from my time being a cocktail barman and observing conversations is that nothing is more boring to a girl than somebody forcing their interests or opinions on them – save that for the relationship like they do! On the subject of opinions, the topic of conversations should never become too controversial or deep too soon. There are ways to lead into these subjects and find out whether she’s a member of the KK/ISIS/My Little Pony fan club but this should not be something which is immediately broached or dwelled upon as this is a sure-fire way of you becoming that ‘nuclear weapons de-armament’ guy that she doesn’t want to see ever again.

Now, many women/humans enjoy the company of a confident person as it gives themselves a sense of self-assuredness and no obligations to fix you, however, nobody, repeat nobody loves a liar or a blatant narcissist (unless they have mental issues themselves *ahem* daddy issues *ahem*). Everybody is guilty at one time or another of bragging a little too hard when something great happens to them, but my word do people not care about it. What they will most likely feel is threatened, jealous or annoyed…or that you’re just a bit of a big head. Either way, keep the self-aggrandisement to a minimum if you value your dignity. That also applies to blatant lies, in this day of google, there is nothing you can get away with and, even if you could, it’s just not a great way to live your life. Tell them if you’ve walked on the moon ONLY if you’ve walked on the bloody moon!

A trusty failsafe is always a good thing to have in a spot of conversational dryness however singing IS NOT IT. I mention this as one particular acquaintance of mine burst into song when his jam came on the speakers (to be fair it was ‘Seal – Kiss from a Rose) and subsequently caused his beau to fly away faster than Batman could have if he was there. It is safe to say that unless you’ve Pavarotti, you can avoid these kinds of outbursts.

I hope, once again, that this will help you in your quest for a femme! Just remember to be nice, available without being clingy and never talk about your exes…or sing Kiss by a Rose…

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