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Check Your Horoscope for The First Week of Summer
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Stargazing

Check Your Horoscope for The First Week of Summer

Wingman Barney knows your fortune this week. Check out your weekly horoscope and find out what the next seven days have in store for you.

Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)

Half of your personality is going completely nutso this week. The universe is surprised you haven’t walked straight into oncoming traffic. If you don’t get it under control, important people in your life will start to call your parents. And you don’t want your mom tip-toeing around your mental illnesses like she did your entire childhood.

Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd)

Some planet is definitely screwing you this week. Whether that’s a good thing or not depends on your current state of emotional stability, which at the moment teetering like a fat elephant standing on a cue ball. On the bright side, you have the startling ability of keeping your craziness almost completely out of sight.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)

Everything is a song to you, which is a pity because you can’t carry a tune any better than a fetus can sustain its own life. You just keep singing anyways. You don’t know most lyrics and that’s not okay, but your need for constant attention outweighs your consideration for others. Try picking up a book and being quiet for a moment. You don’t have to tell anyone about the storyline or read the book aloud. Just silently read the book to yourself.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

You’ve checked all the expiration dates on the various products in your refrigerator. Everything is in date and you’re ready for the week ahead. Check them again just to be sure you didn’t miss anything.

Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)

The universe thought you’d throw in the towel. Not in a suicide way, but in the general way that a person gives up on their dreams and becomes a clerk at their father’s convenience store, sweeping the floors and hoping one day to be the star of a Days of Our Lives. You might get a supporting role at best, but no, not even that. There’s a girl who comes shopping from time to time, who has the same build as a coal miner. She wants you to ask her out, but for some peculiar reason, you think there is someone better for you. There isn’t. She’s the one for you.

Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)

Lately you’re acting like the kind of person that takes their Sudoku career too seriously. Nobody is paying you to do it, so what is the motivation? Maybe it’s misplaced desire for sex and power. No, not maybe, definitely. In any case, you should conserve your mental resources and funnel them to something that might actually get you sex and power. Even chess would be a better fit. It may be intimidating interacting with people, but you only have to hit the little timer when you’re done with your turn. It is the social equivalent to using your toaster. Baby steps.

Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)

Your dog wants food and the good kind, not this milled dehydrated horse carcass that looks like meat cubes. You’ve been aloof to his needs as you are concentrating on world domination. Feed him some human food for a change and you will receive the wonderful and juicy fruits of his friendship and love. If you don’t have a dog, then this horoscope might be about your significant other. Don’t feed your significant other dog food anymore.

Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)

You forgot to clock out at work, which is going to set the tone for week ahead. If you aren’t fired, you will be chewed out until you’re in tears. This is why your father thinks you’re weak. Maybe he’s right. Put on your big boy pants and get back on the field so the universe can hit ground balls at you as hard as possible. The universe doesn’t care if you didn’t bring your mitt, you shouldn’t have left it at home when you knew you had practice today.

Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)

Wow. You spent a whole day without thinking of anyone other than yourself, and how “hella dope you are”. You think. Perhaps you considered a few other people briefly, but only in terms of how they relate to the supreme sexual being that is you. Luckily you won’t have to walk around for too long today without seeing your own charming smile. There are mirrors, windows and other reflective glasses placed all around the world only for you.

Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)

That person you’re interested in is tickled pink by your smooth voice and the gentle caress of your talons. For some reason they are blind to your totally controlling personality. Manipulate them right into your hands until all they become nothing but your plaything. Your vast and undeniably intelligence should allow you to maneuver past moral objections with ease.

Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)

You are living footloose and fancy-free, whatever that means. But your rent has fallen behind, and now your landlord is at the door screaming like he’s receiving a colonoscopy with a red-hot iron. He doesn’t “dig” that you painted your so-called mural in the living room. But on the bright side, you have developed friendships that will last at least a month. It’s okay, they’re the kind of friends that are easy to forget because they aren’t you. You are all that matters.

Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)

You’re feeling sorry for yourself and you need to stop before someone slaps you. You’re better than that. You are also quite tall, so there’s that. So what if they didn’t call you and then later you saw them at the matinee rough housing and completely oblivious to your need for companionship? A lot of other people said they would call you only to let you stare at the phone for three days straight. You got past it. You got past it. Right?

Cupid

Delivering love to people for more than 2 millenniums.

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