Check Your Weekly Horoscope from May 15
This week’s cheesy horoscope by Wingman Barney is hot, fresh, and ready to be devoured! Give yours a read and see if your love life sinks or soars, amongst many other predictions.
Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)
Your illusiveness entices many this week, and you find yourself the center of attention with no intention to be. As everyone takes notice of you and your cryptic ways, you just go about your business like you always do, oblivious to the effect you have on people. You even manage to turn the head of the person you’ve been quietly lusting after. To be continued…
Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)
Your progressive ideas get you noticed at work this week, and you manage to not only win over your colleagues but your boss, as well. This success is short-lived, however, when you decide to take the idea one step too far, and it ends up crashing and burning. Word of advice: quit while you’re ahead.
Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd
Your unhealthy diet is catching up with you, and you have a severe stomachache midweek, after which you decide to cut out all the Mountain Dew and Doritos. But that lasts maybe two days before you’re off the wagon again. At least get some exercise to counter your calorie count, lazybones.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
As you saunter around the party this weekend, you spot someone extraordinarily beautiful from afar. You’ve never seen any living being so glorious before. You weave in and out of the crowd, making your way toward this astounding idol. When you at last arrive before him/her, you find it’s a mirror. Damn, you look good!
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Your cleanliness scores you a hot date this week, when you wash someone’s dirty car in your workplace parking lot. Usually your meticulousness gets you nothing but ridicule, but for some reason, this particular person appreciates you. Hold onto him/her for dear life.
Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)
Hipsters like you don’t need others to tell them what’s fabulous. You are your own brand, and you set trends without even trying. This week, you’re an even more happening hipster, when you fashion the newest and greatest mustache piece to ever hit the scene. It’ll take everyone else a year or so to catch on.
Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)
Your smoking habit is getting out of hand, as you’ve started chain smoking in the bathroom at work to take the edge off. Despite reeking of cigarettes, you get away with it for a while. That is, until you manage to burn down the building. Woops.
Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)
You are always in the moment, and this makes you one of the happiest signs of all. You just know how to breathe in life and enjoy it. You’ve got Zen down, like it’s your phone number. But this week, you must plan ahead a bit in order to avoid being left behind.
Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)
While everyone else is effectively ignoring what’s at stake, you manage to execute all your tasks in a timely fashion and then some. You may be breaking your butt to do so, but your hard work will pay you back in the long run.
Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)
You are a loner, but you never feel lonely. Because, really, you have a party in your head. You seem to talk to yourself a lot, and most people don’t understand. However, this week, a stranger persuades one of your many multiple personalities to turn more pronounced. And this particular personality becomes your alter ego thereafter.
Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)
Crying can get you far in life. You know this, as they’ve gotten you this far. You cry at everything and, at the drop of a dime, you can whip up a few alligator tears for any occasion. This talent usually works in your favor, and you win an argument by weeping uncontrollably this week, as is your M.O.
Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)
Your love life has been going nowhere the past few months, mainly because you’re so self-centered that you’re hard to handle. This week, however, you think of someone else, and this provides you an opportunity to start a relationship. Don’t blow it.