Cheesy & Fun Horoscope from July 31
Your weekly horoscope has arrived! Let Wingman Barney tell your fortune and see what the universe has in store for you.
Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)
You’ve just completed a spectacular feat, at least spectacular for you. Take time this week to celebrate your accomplishment and ignore anyone who thinks your compulsive partying is a cry for help. They’re just jealous that they’re not crazy fun like you.
Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)
A conscience is a wonderful thing, not that you would know. You’ve heard about them in passing. Luckily you’ve never had the misfortune of having one. It doesn’t matter, because you’re the one doing the psychoanalyzing this week. You can finally relax and let your crazy half take control. Your friends will find you’re intrusions on their personal lives unbearable, but that’s to be expected.
Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd)
As you suspected, your unstoppable greed and complete disregard for other people’s feelings makes you a freaking genius. Put your savant-like mind to use this week by designing the next cutting-edge brand of kitchen appliances. Your ego will not be satisfied until you do.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
You’re about to come into a large sum of money. Either that or you’re about to lose a large sum of money. The planets are not completely sure on this one. Whatever happens, you’ll learn that money isn’t everything. It only determines nearly everything about your life, health and well-being.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
You have something in your teeth and you haven’t been able to get it out all week. You’re not even sure if it’s there anymore or if you’re just imagining it. Probably both. Floss daily to remove any enterprising bacteria setting up camp on your bicuspids.
Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)
Most conversations are an out-of-body experience for you. You say things with precisely no thought about continuity or what the words themselves mean. This week you will start at least 30 sentences with no clue where they were heading or how you will resolve them.
Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)
You’re incredibly perceptive. Or maybe you just comment out loud about things everybody is aware of, but that most people don’t feel the need to acknowledge. In any case, you have a knack for making enemies out of generally nice people. It might be that you point out their flaws whether they asked your opinion or not.
Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)
Your suspicions about your toaster are grounded in reality, even if they are a little exaggerated. It will hurt or kill you if you use it improperly. Don’t let fear paralyze you. Gather your courage, load some slices of bread, and soon you will enjoy the sweet taste of toasted victory.
Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)
Your intuitiveness is beyond belief. It literally defies human logic and reason. Make the most of it this week by delving into the personal lives of acquaintances and giving them completely unsolicited advice. You are a wise sage.
Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)
Happiness to you is pulling into the parking lot and finding a parking spot right in front. Too bad the parking lot is full this week. Don’t give up just yet. Drive around in circles playing classical music at full blast with the windows down. The right parking spot will eventually open up.
Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)
The planetary system has finally shit the bed and now your life will surely come together. For the very first time, you will feel satisfied with your career, love life, and general well-being. It won’t last long as the planets will correct their mistake momentarily and bring you back to your daily struggle for happiness.
Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)
Stay the course when it comes to your diet. Holding yourself to unrealistic beauty standards is just one way to make the people around you miserable with your complaining. With time, you will become the self-loathing beauty queen you’ve always wanted to be.