Cheesy Horoscope for the week of May 8
Wingman Barney knows what’s up. Your weekly horoscope will provide you a looksee into the future. It’s an interesting one for nearly all, from office politics to trendsetting to blackouts. This week you’ll learn just how crazy seven days can be.
Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)
You feel like you’re a hamster on a wheel – running, running, running, but getting nowhere at all. You’ve completed every task that’s presented itself to you this week, but the end result isn’t exactly what you’d hoped. It leads you right back to where you started.
Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)
Your love life is on the rocks, and it has everything to do with your mood swings. One minute you’re easygoing and carefree, the next you’re an intolerable uptight fiend. Your partner can’t stand it any longer. You’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd)
You coined a new term on Monday and, by Friday, everyone is using it. You’re not used to being a trendsetter…in fact, your friends usually ignore any trend you try to set. But this week, you’ve got game, and everyone knows it. So bask in your fifteen minutes of fame. It will soon be over.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
You decide to take a break from the dating game and date yourself instead, because no one can live up to your expectations. You treat yourself to a nice meal, see a movie, and take yourself home that night. Wow, what great conversation and such a winning personality! It’s the best date you’ve ever had.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
You are such a pain in the butt that everyone at work ignores you this week. It must have something to do with you posting a cleaning list in the breakroom and reinforcing microwave etiquette during the weekly office meeting. You’re toeing the line between irritating neat freak and full-on OCD nutbag.
Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)
Your pretention leads you to an art gallery this week, and the show is so ahead of its time that it blows your mind. You are inspired to annoy everyone by explaining the “forward thinking” of the artist’s work, while most agree it’s garbage. You know better though. And this makes you better than all the haters.
Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)
You start off the week on a high note and end on the lowest possible. Your high happens when you give one of your dearest friends advice, even though the matter doesn’t concern you. Your low happens when they actually listen to your advice and end up much worse off for it. Next time, consider keeping your nose to yourself.
Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)
Your partner finally brings you home to meet the parents, and all you can do is manage to make a fool of yourself. Not only are you a fool, but you’re a temporary crazy person. If the first impression sticks, this relationship will not last.
Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)
This week, you delve into office politics and polarize the left and right. But you’re the perfect hand-shaking, baby-kissing politician, so you manage to please both sides without anyone noticing that you were the one orchestrating the division in the first place.
Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)
It’s in your nature to be spacey, but you space out so much this week that you visit other planets. This blip in your life cycle may be visionary, it may be extraordinary, or it may simply be your regular ol’ blackout. Whatever it is, you enjoy feeling out of this world for the moment.
Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)
Your violent nature emerges this week when someone you don’t like seems to be a recurring actor in your life. You decide to rid of them in one of two ways – by freezing them out or by confronting them brutally in front of everyone. Either way, it goes very, very wrong, and you end up with a bruised ego.
Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)
Self-centered and egotistical, you don’t always enjoy listening to or celebrating others, but this week, your partner achieves a milestone, and you go against your better judgment and celebrate them. Look at you, being all selfless!