Your Weekly Cheesy Horoscope from May 5
This Horocope will rock your world. Wingman Barney worked out for you to be aware how your nearest future can look like!
Taurus (April 20th– May 20th)
Your complete lack of a soul will allow you to maneuver past moral objections with ease this week. Use this to your advantage and throw your associates under the bus for whatever thing you screwed up at work.
Gemini (May 21st– June 20th)
Your complete lack of empathy for fellow human beings looks frighteningly effortless. Continue to ignore other people’s feelings and you will have success at the office, in bed, and anywhere else that is lucky enough to be graced with your adorable presence.
Cancer (June 21st– July 22nd)
There’s a star lining up somewhere creating ideal conditions for your worst astrological nightmare. A past lover will reappear in your life to remind you how incredibly sad and alone you are. Dazzle them with your stamp collection and show them that you’re totally over them.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd)
Everyone wants to hear about your CD collection, no matter how many times they’ve heard about it before. Bring it up again and again for extra points with your colleagues. If they begin to yawn, start listing the tracks for each album to keep them eating out of the palm of your hand.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
That special someone is ready to commit to you. If only you had the foresight to make yourself emotionally available. Unfortunately for you, your emotions are off wall and completely erratic. Make yourself useful and strap them down to the table before someone gets hurt.
Libra (September 23rd– October 22nd)
If ever you needed a friend, now is the time. Let’s hope they forgive you for the chaos you are about to bring into their life. Abide in your friendship and prosper from it. Then go completely bonkers and demand that they cut of ties with their friends and family and worship you.
Scorpio (October 23rd– November 21st)
Your master plan is really coming together nicely. The police and your fellow line cooks haven’t noticed a thing. Now if you can just get through a few more family dinners without your mother prying too much into your personal life, you’ll be in the clear.
Sagittarius (November 22nd– December 21st)
Your focus is insufficient for most tasks. Lucky for you, your superiors have accepted that about you and moved on to more important things. Keep trying for a promotion anyways, even if your perseverance may be counterproductive and depressing as hell to watch.
Capricorn (December 22nd– January 19th)
Keep your more charitable dispositions dialed back this week, as most of your friends will be asking you for money. They are not nearly as financially responsible nor as mind-numbingly boring as you. On the flip side, they will never be the owner of a brand new boat. You might though, if you ever become interesting enough to take any money out of savings.
Aquarius (January 20th– February 18th)
A planet in retrograde has set you back a bit, but that’s not really the reason you’ve become the laughing stock of the universe. You just happen to attract that kind of attention is all. Luckily you can take a joke, or at least you seem to fake it well. Your happy-go-lucky personality will be a huge hit at karaoke night this week.
Pisces (February 19th– March 20th)
In case you haven’t noticed, you’re killing it in your love life. Everybody wants to be with you, even if that means they have to deal with your condescending, self-righteous B.S. Now if only you could figure out a way to dominate people who aren’t in relationships with you. Then you will be all that and a bag of chips.
Aries (Mar 21st– Apr 19th)
You lose sleep over the countless television shows that aren’t about you. In a sense, you want everything to be about you. Maybe that’s why you never get a second date. Don’t take it personally—nobody is good enough for you, including you.
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